Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
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