ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
