if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Randomize
