I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
