Where are you?
In a non slutty way
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
