Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
