so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
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