Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
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