I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
