Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
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