she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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