I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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