Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Randomize
