Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
