I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
