You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
