Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Randomize
