Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
