Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
