Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Randomize
