You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
