birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
