she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Randomize
