So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
