I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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