Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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