No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
