you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
