Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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