Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
How's work?
Spinning.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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