The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
