Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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