My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
