Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Randomize
