I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
