I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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