Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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