end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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