i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Randomize
