I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
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eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
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I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
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