He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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