Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Randomize
