About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
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