somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Randomize
