Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
