I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
