i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
