man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Success! We fucked roommates!
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
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