What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
