Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
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