No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
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