Where did you get a picture of my penis
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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