There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
