highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Randomize
