I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
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