so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
