Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Randomize
