oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
