and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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