And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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